well I can't set my house on fire every night
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
