i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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