the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
