I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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