I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
