did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
