Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
