if i can run in heels then i can drive
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
