please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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