Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize