I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
