Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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