Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
