Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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