I checked into jail on foursquare
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
