Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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