You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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