Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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