I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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