My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
