He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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