he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
