how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize