This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
