so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
