the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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