i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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