she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize