but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
