I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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