did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
