Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
