I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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