so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize