my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
