It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
