My room smells like vodka and shame
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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