I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
