So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
