he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
