There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have fence marks all over my body
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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