i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
