This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
