Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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