i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
