I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
