i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
