i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
