Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
pray to the hookup gods
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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