I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
