Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
