hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
