it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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