so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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