My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
