tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
