Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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