When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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