Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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