i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize