If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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