She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
