She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
