my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
