1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Actions speak louder than pants.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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