I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
