Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
the liver wants what the liver wants
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is Oprah even human
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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