He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
