I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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