And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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