I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
